We Have Nothing to Fear But Everything

If you ask people what they are afraid of, you will get a lot of standard answers: snakes, clowns, heights, tight spaces.  My brain decided  that just being afraid of things like spiders and storms isn’t torturing myself enough though and has convinced me to become afraid of things that most people probably haven’t even considered.

Interested in some new irrational fears?  Keep reading.

Not Having an Alibi

After my divorce, I found myself living alone for the first time in my life.  My son was with me half of the time, but the other half was just my cat and me (how cliche).  I’ve always been a homebody, and I really didn’t have much of a desire to go out at first, which meant a lot of nights home alone.  Besides, I believe that the more time you spend at home, the more value you are getting for your rent.  I pay for it, why not be in it?

As I became involved in a love triangle with Netflix and Hulu, I stumbled upon Forensic Files, a show that I used to love watching with my sister.  Sometimes, there was someone who had no alibi, and all of the evidence pointed at that person being the murderer.  But later in the episode, there would be a plot twist: that person was not the murderer.  The crime ended up being committed by something else.

During one episode, I suddenly thought, what if there is a crime happening out there RIGHT NOW that was going to be pinned on me?  I have no alibi!  I’m sitting at home doing nothing!!  There is nobody to vouch for me!!!  

I AM SCREWED.

I’d basically have to try my best to convince them that I’m just a loser who is home with my cat every night, which probably isn’t that hard to believe.  Still, something concrete would be nice.  I remember thinking after getting involved with my boyfriend that now I was gonna have a bunch of nights and weekends where I would have someone to corroborate my story if I ever got picked up by the police.  

Surveillance Cameras

Although footage of myself on a surveillance camera would be helpful in obtaining an alibi if necessary, those cameras provide another concern.  When a crime goes down or there is a car accident, surveillance camera footage of the incident is often made available to the public.  Places like banks, gas stations, and store entrances are the popular spots.  I get worried that I will unintentionally be made a fool of because I will be the moron doing something stupid or embarrassing that you see off to the side of the frame.  

I once stopped at a gas station after riding in the car for a long time.  As I stepped out at the gas pump, I made a quick “adjustment” to part of my outfit.  I immediately thought, oh my gosh, THAT WAS RECORDED, and I expected the car next to me to catch on fire so that the news would have a reason to air the footage.

So when the guy next to me would be screaming over his car, I’d be like, “At least you aren’t going to be fixing your wedgie on the 10 o’clock news!”

Getting My Car Squashed in a Drive-Thru

I don’t go through fast food drive-thrus very often.  Okay, lately there has been a lot of McDonald’s because they had toys from Despicable Me 3 in their Happy Meals.  They were for my kid, not me!  *nervous laughter*

Anyway, as I sit in my car in the drive-thru, I have a fear of something falling from the sky and crushing my car.  Oddly, I never worry about my well-being in this story; it’s always something like a piano or a cow landing on the hood of my car.  This story would surely go viral on social media.  Fatty just HAD to have a Big Mac, people would comment, shaking their heads.  And then there would be a bunch of sanctimonious people who say that they would NEVER go to McDONALD’S, and that I totally got what I deserved for eating that garbage.

Billions served!  Don’t act like you’re better than me!

Getting Shot on a Hot Day

I hate the heat with a fiery passion (yes, I see what I did there).  Fortunately, my home, office and car all have air conditioning.  So on even the most beastly of days, the worst situation I am in is walking from an air conditioned building to my air conditioned car, or vice-versa.  Sometimes on these oppressive days though, as I’m trudging across the parking lot, I think to myself, I hope nobody shoots me right now.  Or a car doesn’t hit me.  Or I don’t suddenly twist my ankle in a magical way that causes a bone in my leg to snap.

The thought of being stuck out in that blazing sun with a serious injury just seems utterly unbearable. I wonder if the pain would be so bad that I wouldn’t even realize the temperature.  Or would the temperature distract me from the pain?  I really think the temperature would take precedence.  I would be on the ground in a pool of blood thinking, oh my god, IT IS SO HUMID TODAY!!!!!!

So if you’re going to shoot me, please pick a crisp autumn day.  Or do it inside.  

Maybe you could also bring me something from McDonald’s.