Swipe Dream

I got divorced in 2015.  I had been with my ex for 10 years, and the dating world had changed a lot.  Back when I had last been single, online dating was still considered weird to many, and I learned some hard lessons on Yahoo! Personals.  Do you remember Yahoo! Personals?  If you do, I feel sorry for you.

Now it seems like meeting in real life as opposed to online is the weird situation.  Hitting on someone in person is creepy.  What?  You weirdo, you don’t even know me!  Why are you talking to me???  Just swipe on Tinder until you match someone who might not even really exist, like a normal person. 

Yes, I tried Tinder.  About four months after my divorce, I had several people suggest it to me.  I was skeptical.

“I thought Tinder was just a hookup site.”

No!  Everyone protested and had examples of people they knew who met nice, normal people and were in great relationships.  Of course, once you tell people that you are on Tinder, they look at you like you’re a naughty little minx who is just looking for a good time.  “Don’t people just, like, meet for...sex…?!” they ask, all hushed and shocked.

It’s kind of like when you’re single and married people tell you about how great it is to get married.  Then you get married, and all those married people do is complain about marriage.  

 YOU TRICKED ME. 

But soon I found myself on Tinder, more out of curiosity than actually being interested in meeting guys.  I downloaded the app on a whim one night and found it strangely addictive to swipe through a bunch of pictures.  It was also weird to be letting such simple things decide whether or not I wanted to connect with someone.  Guy wearing a Bears jersey?  Swipe left.  Guy with a squirrel?  Swipe right. 

Then it happened.  My first match popped up.  Then another.  Then another.  Then the matches started messaging me.  Within my first five minutes, I had six guys messaging me.  I felt like I had been online shopping for fun and putting things in my cart I didn’t actually plan to buy, but I had a card on file and accidentally hit the purchase button.

IT ALL HAPPENED SO FAST. 

So I chit chatted with a bunch of guys.  The first man that I actually had a conversation with was James.  I didn’t feel a spark, but it was pleasant.  At some point, our messages looked something like this:

James: Wow, I really hate Microsoft Word.  I have a job interview this afternoon, and I wanted to bring my updated resume, but the formatting is so screwed up. 

Me: Yeah, Word can be annoying sometimes.  I usually can figure things out though.  It’s usually just some simple tweaking. 

James:  Can you tell me how to do it?

 Me: Well, it’s hard to figure it out when I can’t see what’s going on.  I’d have better luck actually working on it. 

James: Will you call me and try to help me?  Seriously, I will pay you.

 I told him that he didn’t need to pay me, and I was happy to help, but I didn’t want to give him my phone number.  He offered me his phone number and said I could dial *67  before I call him to block my number.  I agreed and was soon on the phone with James.  It became obvious pretty fast though that I’d really need to see what was going on to do something.  James asked if he could email me his resume.  

I gave him an email address that I used for random things that wasn’t associated with my real name, since I didn’t care if I ended up having to ditch it.  A couple minutes later, his resume showed up in my inbox.  This man was so desperate for help with formatting this that he just gave some strange girl on the internet all of his contact information and his education and work history.

James stayed on the phone with me as I opened up his resume.  Besides the formatting problems, I immediately noticed a lot of spelling errors, and I admittedly had fun pointing them out to tease him.  One such exchange:

Me: You spelled Michigan wrong!

James: No, I didn’t!

Me:  Yes, yes you did.  More than once. Wow, this is pretty bad. 

James: It's not THAT bad.

Me: I wouldn’t hire someone who can’t even spell the state he lives in. 

I could tell he was annoyed with me, but he didn’t want to tell me off because he needed my help.  It was a fun position to be in.

 So after an appropriate amount of mocking, I cleaned up his resume and emailed it back to him.  I told him he should be all set, and we hung up.  Shortly, James messaged me:

“Thank you!!!!!!  You are the best!!!!!!  I’ll pay you in spankings!!!!!”

 I told him that we were cool.

James and I chatted a little more off and on, and he asked me out.  I was afraid he was going to make good on his payment offer for my editing services though, so I passed. 

Also, James got the job, proving that Tinder isn’t just for hookups.